It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Auto, woke up in a swamp. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly angered, Auto backhanded a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he realized that his beloved VW was missing! Immediately he called his former cellmate, Allgäu. Auto had known Allgäu for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. Allgäu was unique. She was smart though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Auto called her anyway, for the situation was urgent. Allgäu picked up to a very sad Auto. Allgäu calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats turn red before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually wildly cringe *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Auto. Why was Allgäu trying to distract Auto? Because she had snuck out from Auto's with the VW only five days prior. It was a sassy little VW... how could she resist? It didn't take long before Auto got back to the subject at hand: his VW. Allgäu yawned. Relunctantly, Allgäu invited him over, assuring him they'd find the VW. Auto grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Allgäu realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the VW and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if Auto took the tricked out go kart, she had take at least nine minutes before Auto would get there. But if he took the Motorrad? Then Allgäu would be alarmingly screwed. Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Allgäu was interrupted by three funny-smelling BMWs that were lured by her VW. Allgäu belched; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling relieved, she thoughtfully reached for her ninja star and aptly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Motorrad rolling up. It was Auto. ----o0o---- As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, Auto was out of the Motorrad and went wildly jaunting toward Allgäu's front door. Meanwhile inside, Allgäu was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the VW into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind her canoe. Allgäu was stunned but at least the VW was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' Allgäu sassily purred. With a calculated push, Auto opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted rationality-deprived retard in a noise-polluting import,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Allgäu assured him. Auto took a seat about two saucy furlongs from where Allgäu had hidden the VW. Allgäu sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Auto was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Allgäu noticed a stupid look on Auto's face. Auto slowly opened his mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?' Allgäu felt a stabbing pain in her double chin when Auto asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the VW right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Auto's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Auto nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Allgäu could react, Auto skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The VW was plainly in view. Auto stared at Allgäu for what what must've been eight minutes. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Allgäu groped wildly in Auto's direction, clearly desperate. Auto grabbed the VW and bolted for the door. It was locked. Allgäu let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Auto,' she rebuked. Allgäu always had been a little stupid, so Auto knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Allgäu did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at her or something. Absolutely thrilled, he gripped his VW tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. Allgäu looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Auto. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Auto. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Allgäu walked over to the window and looked down. Auto was gone. ----o0o---- Just yonder, Auto was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Allgäu's place. Auto had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral BMWs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the VW. One by one they latched on to Auto. Already weakened from his injury, Auto yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of BMWs running off with his VW. About three hours later, Auto awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Auto did not know where he was. Deep in the humid imaginery desert, Auto was very lost. A few unfulfilled decades later, he remembered that his VW was taken by the BMWs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a big BMW emerged from the bush. It was the alpha BMW. Auto opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the BMW sunk its teeth into Auto's ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Auto's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure. Less than eleven miles away, Allgäu was entombed by anguish over the loss of the VW. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened banana. With a mighty thrust, she buried it deeply into her taint. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Auto... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the VW that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant BMWs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.